The Men All Pause

And now a word to my male readers...

I know some of you are a little mystified about what women want and what I have to say won’t change that situation for you one iota, but my hope is to at least clarify one point of confusion:

Here are a few ways to know that you probably won’t be getting that second date:

Hint #1: If you find yourself asking your date, “What? I can’t touch the titties?” chances are you’ll never hear from her again.

A tip? For fuck’s sake, don’t say that shit! What? Were you raised in a barn? Have you no home training? Don’t treat your date like a whore. That kind of behavior says more about you than about her. Have some dignity and show some class. Geez.

Hint#2: During your goodnight kiss, you either a.) waggle your tongue so vigorously in her mouth that you’re scraping the roof of her mouth or b.) you leave a lake of saliva all over the bottom half of her face.

Um, yeah. Guys? That isn’t kissing. It’s performing. And it always = Epic Fail. Kissing should be give and take. So if half of YOUR face isn’t covered with HER saliva, too, then she does NOT like what you’re doing. If your date can’t stand the thought of your mouth anywhere near her face, it’s not getting anywhere near her lady parts. Yes, guys. Having the kissing technique of a 15 year-old boy will definitely ruin your chances with ANY woman who has been kissed well by someone else.

Hint#3: If you engage in ‘leveling’ she will lose respect for you as a man immediately. Leveling is a psychological term that describes the behavior of a person tearing down another person in order to feel better about themselves. If your date speaks three languages, please don’t say shit like “That’s impressive! You speak Pig Latin, too?”  Fellas, slipping in zingers to minimize your date’s accomplishments is a giant red flag. You may try to cover it up with wit and copious amounts of mirth and we may even laugh along with you, but we KNOW what you’re doing. That red flag might as well have INSECURE written all over it. And women don’t like weak men.

Having said all that, I still love you guys hard. I send sloppy wet, chokingly deep mouth kisses and unwelcome crotch gropes to you all! (Except YOU with the halitosis breath. Yeah, you. Keep it movin’.) 

And I feel obligated to tell you that every time you do any of the CRAZY shit listed above, Jesus kills a puppy. I’m just sayin’…Stop hurting America.

I’m just playin’ ya’ll! Sort of. Not really. *HUGS*

No Chic of the Week this post. Get over it.

But next post I can’t wait to tell you all about Heavenly Couture! All the fabulousness in that store is $15 or less! I KNOW! Tune in next time. Same Bat time, same Bat station.

Until then my lovelies, keep it cute!