Hair. Cut.

Natalie Portman with fabulous short hair

I'm baaaaaack!
I know, I know...you've been waiting with bated breath. What? It's the holidays. We've all been busy right?
So check this out...after ten years of having long hair, I recently got about 6 inches cut from it. It's pretty short now and I love it. But there are a few people in my life who value long hair on a woman. Just to give you an idea, my cousin's hairdresser is one of those "fuck you, I'll do what I want" hairdressers. Anyway, she cut a few inches off her hair without her permission. My cousin went and sat in her car and cried for 15 minutes.  Seriously. 15 minutes of weeping!
We call her 'Samson' now. Wuss.

Keri Russell

What's the big deal with long hair? Remember the show 'Felicity'? The ratings drop was actually attributed to the drastic hair cut of the title character. Really? People actually stopped watching a tv show because some chick went from long hair to short hair? I call Bullshit.

Just for the doubters (i.e. haters) out there, I give you the Top 5 Benefits of Having Short Hair:
Benefit #5: No one immediately assumes you're wearing a weave or extensions.

Ciara

Benefit #4: Your boyfriend (or girlfriend. I don't judge) can run his fingers through your hair without worry of getting them caught on tracks. (See Benefit #5)

Katherine McPhee

Benefit #3: Less time washing and blow drying.

Victoria Beckham

Benefit #2: Edgier fun look that can be spiked and teased or sleek sophisticated look that can be worn to the office.

Tisha Campbell

Benefit #1: Your eyes, cheekbones and lips stand out more than ever. Your beauty is on full display.

Emma Watson

Morena Baccarin

Rhianna

I know there's supposed to be some kind of added bombshell quotient to having long hair, but I have a C cup and a fabulous ass. I don't need bombshell hair.

Until next time, keep it cute and have a happy and safe New Year!

Lady Gaga. Fashion Icon?

Hey you guys! Sorry it's taken me so long to update, but I kept ditching draft after draft because my writing seemed a little girly and fluffy. You know...the opposite of my constant f-bomb dropping. This fluffiness is due to the fact that I've been dating this awesome guy who cooks for me and gives great back rubs, so the edge is temporarily gone from my writing while I wallow in glow-y, gushy, happy sauce. I'm sure it'll be back once the mid-term elections hit in November. Patience, my lovelies. Patience.

Anyway, there's a been an ongoing debate about Lady Gaga being a fashion icon and it cracks me up when people get so passionate about why she isn't. I'm not sure what the big deal is. This same conversation was floated about Britney Spears...and a fashion plate she ain't, honey!
I think Lady Gaga is a performance artist but more than that, I think she is a fashion anarchist. She uses clothes and costumes to make a statement about the absurdity of the bullshit we accept without question.

A classic Berkin bag costs about $17,000. There are some very wealthy people (and some not so wealthy people) on waiting lists for certain styles of Berkin bags. The bag means you've 'arrived'. Gaga drove spikes through it. It's as if she's saying "Fuck you rich bitches, this bag ain't shit!"

She pissed off polite British society when she met the Queen wearing a red latex 'Queen of Hearts' getup.

She made fun of Larry King's trademark suspenders.

The meat dress was admittedly pure theatrics and seriously gross. But the question I have for the vegan celebrities who scoffed is this: Did you ride to the awards ceremony in a limo with leather seats? If so, shut the fuck up. Just because the dead cow hide is pretty doesn't make it less dead.

Lady Gaga has a brilliant eye for items that will create stunning imagery. She also seems to love fashion and the spectacle of couture. Fashion Icon? Sure. Why not?

Until next time, keep it cute!

The September Issue

Happy September!
Now remember...no more white pants, white shoes or white purses for the rest of the year. Of course, that rule of fashion was probably hatched in the 1930's and according to this Time Magazine article, was prompted more by class divisions than practicality, so never mind.

New York was amazing! And shopping on a budget was a bit of a challenge, but I did it and got some great stuff. Okay, you'll probably never see another picture of me, but I gotta show you this dress. (I quietly took the picture in the dressing room)

I am actually a little more innocent than this dress, but I had to have it. It's a Bebe dress and a little over $100. Fits like a sausage casing. (Except for the hood that makes me look like Yoda) I love it!

I also got a cowl neck, fitted, jersey dress from Forever 21 for just over $20.

The Time Square F21 is a flagship store with 4 levels of clothes, shoes, accessories and underwear. It's Forever 21 on steroids.

 
In other news, the September fashion magazine issues are now on newsstands and I picked up Vogue. There were some great trends, some surprising trends and some really stupid trends. Let's review them, shall we?

Surprising Trends:

• Over the knee boots are still hot for fall
• Skinny jeans and leggings (really?)
• Lots of black and gray
• Sequins on shirts, shoes and purses

Awesome Trends:

Long leather gloves that go above the elbow

Peep toe booties made of lace or leather or suede. Any kind of bootie for that matter.

Mini dresses and skirts
Deep, lush red (such a decadent shade you'll want to eat it)
Animal print purses and shoes
Easy hair and clean make-up that lets the skin show through

Stupid Trends:
Feathers. Ostrich, Peacock or any other ridiculous variant. When the model or celebrity looks stupid in the outfit, it's a stupid outfit. I don't care who designed it. Looking like a Yeti is never cool.

Stupid looking Yeti fashion

Stupid looking Yeti

Fur and faux fur. Politics aren't my reason for thinking it's stupid. After all, I like some leather fashions. Fur just doesn't seem fashionable to me. Of all the 'look at me!' elements of fashion, this is one of the most ostentatious. It's up there with heavy gold chains, pimp juice cups and bedazzled grills.

"Dem bitches bettah have my money!"

Clogs. Clogs blow. I don't care how much they cost.

Chic of The Week

It's a tie this week. Blake Lively and Janet Jackson.

 Janet's new haircut is so sexy and sophisticated! She should have done this a long time ago.

Blake Lively can rock just about anything she is dressed in. She takes risks and they almost always pay off. You bettah work, girl!

Until next time, ya'll keep it cute!

Return to Gotham City

Helloooooo my lovelies!

I'm in the York that is New! Don't be jealous. You'll be on my mind the whole time. Well...not really, but I heart you all the same! When I get back I'll post pics of all the fabulousness.

Meanwhile, I leave you with this...



Until next time, keep it cute!

Heavenly Couture and S.C.R.U.B.S.

Hello my lovelies!

I know I haven't talked about fashion much lately, but I've been looking for some unique deals, and found Heavenly Couture! Everything in this store is less than $20! Dresses, pants, skirts, shorts, denim, jackets, hats, accessories and shoes. Everything! It's freakin' fabulous for anyone on a budget. 

That said, most of the clothes are casual and some are party clothes, so you need to have a talent for mixing and matching. A cute top can be matched with your favorite jeans, etc. 

Also, make sure you take the time to try the clothes on. In my experience, some of the pants are cut to accommodate the butt of a 15 year old, so you'll want to be sure.

Otherwise, this place is the best kept secret around. If you're in Southern California, there's a new one that just opened in Larchmont Village. (There are some on the east coast as well) Check it out!

S.C.R.U.B.S.

On a personal note, I have been so much happier lately and I'd like to share with you one of the reasons why. In the past couple of years, I have made a concerted effort to purge negative and toxic people from my life and have affectionately named them S.C.R.U.B.S. (Shallow Committee of Rejected Unnecessary BullShitters). Needless to say, it's been an interesting journey. Of course, the people in my life don't have to be perfect but if they're a SCRUB, they're OUT.

Top 5 reasons to place a person on SCRUBS status:

1. Abusive personality

I have ex-friends who treated their boyfriends like crap in front of me (they thought the shit was funny), put down my accomplishments and even made fun of other people's children. This is epic ass-hattery and emotionally draining. Oh, and another thing... anyone who is not nice to a waiter/waitress is not a nice person. They're a SCRUB.

2. Passive aggressive personality

Have you ever had a "friend" who would insult you but wrapped the insult in a compliment? For example, "Wow, cute outfit! You remind me of the Real Housewives of New York!" I got this from someone wearing faded, threadbare leggings and a sweater with holes in it. The sarcastic tone in her voice tipped her hand. Her compliment was anything but. I handled myself with class and dignity, but I was thinking...in the immortal words of B. Scott...'Ho, have a seat!'

3. Narcissism 

Characterized by a strong need for attention and adoration. Underperforms until there is a large payoff or audience. Selective empathy based on whomever they can use for the best spoils. Lack of self-worth which closes their ears to criticism. (They take it as a personal attack). Can you imagine needing this person for anything deeper than club-hopping? Nope. Scrubbed!

4. Inability to feel empathy

An ex-friend of mine, who I have crowned the Queen of the SCRUBS, told me that when September 11th happened, she didn't feel any grief. She didn't feel anything and to her it felt like the disaster happened in a foreign country. This floored me! What about the earthquake in Haiti? The tsunami in Thailand? Were those just blips on her radar? She also said that Captain 'Sully' Sullenberger probably had Munchausen's and crashed the plane in the Hudson on purpose because he wanted the attention. Yeah...her ass was scrubbed.

5. Snobbery

Some people choose to be snobby about the most ridiculous stuff. I have known people who think that if you buy a cup of coffee from Starbucks, you may as well be trailer-trash. Can you imagine the amount of energy it would take to belittle all the Starbucks 'riff-raff' you'd encounter in one day if you thought like that? Geez.

Seriously, y'all, I can't kick it with people like this. They have been scrubbed from my life or are in the process of the scrubbing and I gotta tell ya, I am NOW feeling so fresh and SO clean spiritually!

CHIC OF THE WEEK

Marissa Tomei in Giambattista Valli

This dress is from two seasons ago, but I think it has a classy, feminine elegance that's timeless. I haven't found a knock-off just yet, but I will dammit!

Until next time my lovelies, try to stay cool. It's been hotter than 4 hells lately!

Keep it cute!

The Men All Pause

And now a word to my male readers...

I know some of you are a little mystified about what women want and what I have to say won’t change that situation for you one iota, but my hope is to at least clarify one point of confusion:

Here are a few ways to know that you probably won’t be getting that second date:

Hint #1: If you find yourself asking your date, “What? I can’t touch the titties?” chances are you’ll never hear from her again.

A tip? For fuck’s sake, don’t say that shit! What? Were you raised in a barn? Have you no home training? Don’t treat your date like a whore. That kind of behavior says more about you than about her. Have some dignity and show some class. Geez.

Hint#2: During your goodnight kiss, you either a.) waggle your tongue so vigorously in her mouth that you’re scraping the roof of her mouth or b.) you leave a lake of saliva all over the bottom half of her face.

Um, yeah. Guys? That isn’t kissing. It’s performing. And it always = Epic Fail. Kissing should be give and take. So if half of YOUR face isn’t covered with HER saliva, too, then she does NOT like what you’re doing. If your date can’t stand the thought of your mouth anywhere near her face, it’s not getting anywhere near her lady parts. Yes, guys. Having the kissing technique of a 15 year-old boy will definitely ruin your chances with ANY woman who has been kissed well by someone else.

Hint#3: If you engage in ‘leveling’ she will lose respect for you as a man immediately. Leveling is a psychological term that describes the behavior of a person tearing down another person in order to feel better about themselves. If your date speaks three languages, please don’t say shit like “That’s impressive! You speak Pig Latin, too?”  Fellas, slipping in zingers to minimize your date’s accomplishments is a giant red flag. You may try to cover it up with wit and copious amounts of mirth and we may even laugh along with you, but we KNOW what you’re doing. That red flag might as well have INSECURE written all over it. And women don’t like weak men.

Having said all that, I still love you guys hard. I send sloppy wet, chokingly deep mouth kisses and unwelcome crotch gropes to you all! (Except YOU with the halitosis breath. Yeah, you. Keep it movin’.) 

And I feel obligated to tell you that every time you do any of the CRAZY shit listed above, Jesus kills a puppy. I’m just sayin’…Stop hurting America.

I’m just playin’ ya’ll! Sort of. Not really. *HUGS*

No Chic of the Week this post. Get over it.

But next post I can’t wait to tell you all about Heavenly Couture! All the fabulousness in that store is $15 or less! I KNOW! Tune in next time. Same Bat time, same Bat station.

Until then my lovelies, keep it cute!

The Girl With The Most Cake

"I want to be the girl with the most cake/ I love him so much he just turns to hate 

I fake it so real I am beyond fake/ And someday you will ache like I ache 

Some day you will ache like I ache/ I am doll parts"

'Doll Parts' by Courtney Love                                                                                                 

Hello, my lovelies!

Yes, I know. Courtney Love is batshit crazy but I really like some of her music. So anyway...today's post isn't about clothes or shoes. Get over it.

Did you have a visceral reaction to the picture of Megan Fox above? People fling vitriol at Foxy like chimps fling poop. Much of the poop flinging is unfounded, i.e. she's constantly called a slut and a whore, but she's been in an exclusive relationship for years. (Would she be called a slut/whore if she were considered homely and plain? Not so much.) Reports about her being "fired" from the Transformer's franchise were filled with so much glee that I was a little uncomfortable reading them. Megan contends she voluntarily left the franchise because Michael Bay is an asshole, treated her like crap and was a tyrant on the set. Bay has had this rep for years. Everybody knows. But Megan said unfortunate things, comparing him to Hitler being only one of them. She's not really polite, she's not quiet or demure and doesn't seem to care much about tradition. People punish her for it, while at the same time, consuming her brand with such voracity that she's become a movie star.                                                                                                                         

Megan Fox is the girl with the most cake. So are Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry. So were Lena Horne and Dorothy Dandridge. 

To me, the 'girls with the most cake' are the women with undeniable sex appeal and seemingly unattainable beauty. They also are completely aware of their feminine power and use it to get what they want. Other women have trouble relating to them and sometimes feel hostility toward them whether they deserve it or not.                                                                                     

The following are photos of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston (not a cake girl) in similar poses and states of undress.

Though both are beautiful, one might want to tie up her man and walk on his back naked wearing five inch Stilettos. Hmmm, I wonder which?

It could be either one. Yes?                                                                                                  

Here's my point: Unattainable beauty and/or raw sex appeal probably shouldn't contribute to a woman's status as a social villain. (Being an asshat should be the primary contributor) And if a woman is cute like the girl next door, that doesn't mean she's not plotting to glue her boyfriend's junk to his stomach in his sleep. 

Women are women. Some bitter, some sweet. Of course, no labels are actually needed. But just for fun...I'm the girl with the most shoes. Carrie Bradshaw doesn't really exist, so I'm claiming the title. Anyone who wants it will need to arm wrestle me for it. And you bettah bring it boo-boo, because I will grind unworthy opponents into a fine powder.                                                                                                                                                                                    

Totally Gratuitous...

Common. This man is just FINE for no reason! And now that he's done bouncing quarters off of Serena Williams' booty, I'm throwing my hat in the ring. Hey Common? I have about a thimble full of booty compared to Serena, but it's cute and firm! Come check on it!                                                                                                                                                              

Chic of the Week: Zoe Saldana

Everything Zoe is wearing can be found at Gap, Bebe, Macy's, Target, etc, etc... A black sweater and dark jeans are a classic look, but her choice of accessories creates an easy chic anyone can achieve. You probably already have these items in your closet!

Until next time, my lovelies...keep it cute!                                                                               

R.I.P. Lena Horne

Zac Posen hits the Target

Due to the ridiculously high number of typos in my last post and my reckless disregard for Spell Check, this blogger will refrain from the consumption of wine and/or spirits during the making of these posts. My bad, y'all! Saucy posts don't always make for good reading. I now return you to your regularly scheduled posting...

After the uninspiring (read: boring) and youthful (read: unsophisticated) Gautier for Target line, I was pretty excited about the Zac Posen for Target line. And for someone who still rocks a Jheri Curl, he didn't disappoint. (Just kidding, Zac. I'm insanely jealous of your luscious, naturally swirly locks!)

Posen for Target launched in the U.S. on April 25th but will be gone after May 30th. It's mostly sweet little feminine dresses with lovely structure and thick hems, but there are also smart suits,  fun swimwear and outerwear that flatter every body type. 

Price range: $49.99 (read: $50) for a belt to $299.99 (read: $300) for a replica of a dress that Katherine Heigl wore to the Emmy Awards. (See below. Heigl wore it in white.)

In an effort to drum up hype for the Posen line, only 50 of the Heigl dress will be available for purchase. The best news? The dress does not come with Heigl's mouth or bizarre sense of entitlement. Enjoy!

Admittedly, this line is a little pricey for Target, but it's comparable to its other designer lines.

Totally gratuitous:

Christian Louboutin's Robot 120 shown below. I can't stop staring at this shoe. I fantasize about melting it down and drinking it from a Martini glass...

What would it taste like? Silky smooth on your tongue, perfectly chilled but turning your insides warm as soon as it slides down your throat... Woo, chile! I need to stop! Moving on...

CHIC OF THE WEEK:

Jessica Marais at the 2010 Costume Institute Gala wearing J'Aton Couture.

Jessica is an Australian actress and I couldn't tell you one thing she's been in, but the gown she's wearing is GORGE! No?

Okay, my lovelies, it is not lost on me that having banned myself from drinking while blogging, I have resorted to fantasizing about drinking...WHILE BLOGGING. I swear by all that is holy (and some unholy shit) that I don't have a problem. That whole shoe in a glass thing was kinda like a weird porn outtake. My apologies. Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa.

Now, I'm gonna go get me a cuppa water.

Until next time, my lovelies, keep it cute!